I'm alive to see my grandson being born!

13/12/15 How cruel life can be and then here is the wonderful miracle of a new life, my grandson being born. Cancer, mastectomy, chemo, radiotherapy, reconstruction, bruising, bereavement, new nipple, cording, lymphedema, physiotherapy all become insignificant when I am holding my grandson in my arms. With all that some people still consider me to be brave and strong but really I am the luckiest woman alive and I appreciate the good and the happy times. Here's to 2016 being the start of a positive and happy future :) :)

All for a new nipple!!!! The guilt of surgery, where is that in the text book?

11/12/15 So I went in for my surgery and oh how little did I prepare myself for it. The level of pain and discomfort was not what I thought would happen. I kept saying "I'm having fat from here and put in here and a new nipple" and yes it sounds that simple in comparison to the last surgery but the bruising that came with it was so painful, I had 11 puncture holes where I had lipo taken from. But here I am just over a week later and I am back at work http://www.cancercare.org.uk/  and getting on with it. I have had so many emotions and especially the guilt of having chosen to have this surgery but part of my job is supporting others through their recovery and I have soon realised that for me and my recovery I needed to do this. I need to have scars that I can cope with and not be reminded that I am different by having just one breast. To me that meant I had to have Cancer cut out of me for me to carry on with my life. That is ok but to feel so different was hard for me to accept as the 'norm'.
I may look like Frankenstein under my clothes but you know what I am truly happy and proud of my scars now and as my husband say "you have a great rack" no-one has ever said that to me.

My brother dies, my grandson was almost born and I have surgery!

23/11/15 What a week it has been! My amazing daughter went into early labour and stayed in hospital a week as my grandson would have been 6 weeks early. She is home now and trying to cope with the discomfort.... Whilst visiting her I had a message to say my eldest brother Michael was seriously ill in hospital so I popped across to visit him and 20 minutes later he died. All that I have been through, cancer, nursing dad then him dieing whilst I was having my treatment but this has really knocked me. It is just so sad that my big brother is no longer with us. I had the opportunity to tell him I loved him and see him but the emotions are so raw and unexpected. It was made even more difficult having to tell my mum her eldest son has died.

I have more surgery on Wednesday to finish off my reconstruction and what should be a celebration I feel might be very underwhelming under the circumstances. I hope this feeling of emotion subsides soon but time will be the thing to make a difference.

I can't express how much I am looking forward to my grandson being here. He will be able to feel the love in my heart, I will make sure of that.

A set back great!

02/12/14 7am and to get ready to go and see my consultant, I had a set back - infection and an open wound so back to the RLI and intravenous antibiotics and dressing changes. Audra came with me and I almost collapsed but thanks to her supporting me I was well looked after and home the next day. I am hoping today (into 7th week) he will let me drive and get back to work. It's a fine line of resting and getting depressed so I will explain how it's making me feel. I had cabin fever not being able to drive and not having friends who don't work, it was pants.

22/12/14 All went well at my appointment and I am now back at work and don't I know it. all sorts happening but now first day of Christmas hols. Physio this morning then shopping in the hope of getting sorted for Christmas. Flash has decided we are having a family/friends party on Boxing Day.

What a party it was, fantastic :)

Reconstruction, the gown & stockings are coming!

19/10/14 Here in hospital finally ready for my reconstruction. I've had an emotional weekend with everyone being with me. John having some big decisions to make about coming home or staying with his dad. Jenna being her amazing self, organising and getting me ready. She is wonderful. Elena is her preoccupied 11 yr old self gorgeous and lost in her own world building relationships and enjoying life. She makes me smile.
20/10/14 5.50am (the morning of my op) Just borrowed a charger off one of the nurses and can now let Flash know how much I love him. He is my rock never letting me down and making me feel safe and loved no matter how I look. This has all been made so much easier because I have him and all his love. So all is going to change in the next few hours. I know I am going to be in pain but others have done it and it's all bed worth it. I really hope my kids don't freak out. I've text Flash to ask Elena if she wants to come, i'm not sure it's a good idea today. It's really bizarre how much calmer I felt once I got here to hospital, I think it's been to waiting and the count down to it. My room is massive, I suppose for all the stuff I will need. My surgeon is lovely and I trust him so much with the op today. He has given me a lot of confidence remembering all the details of who I am. I'm a twin etc...... lovely lovely gentleman. There's a real calm in the air - clock ticking and empty rooms all around it's very quiet up this end of the ward. The nurses are lovely, the few I have met and I am feeling totally happy with everything. :) Nurse Chris is looking after me and she is great, i'm happy, she is excited for me and can't wait to see my new 'boob'. It all begins from here first checks done and gown and stockings coming eeeeeeeK!!!!!!!!!!!

Cancer takes no prisoners!

09/11/15 I have been give the privilege of meeting some incredible people recently who have been going through some horrid times. They have taken me back to the time of hearing the news that I had cancer and not really knowing what that meant. Yes, I am very aware of the seriousness of my diagnosis and the treatment that I have had but for some people it continues. Just when you think you have got through it and can start to get on with your life then suddenly you are dealt the hand that it either hasn't gone or it has come back. That is why I know I am lucky and value where I am in my personal cancer life. Having the door closed and waved goodbye by the consultants and the nurses should in fact make you feel relieved and the party poppers should be out but that is far from how it feels and the reality of it is that you have to now live with 'will it come back?' and how will I know if it is back? Questions, Questions, Questions............

Just another waiting game!

08/09/14 Elena's first day at high school a big day for her and she has enjoyed it. I wonder how long that will last? We have had a fantastic weekend for Max's birthday, pizza hut on Friday with Carole, Mac, me , Flash & Elena. Blockpool zoo Saturday with John, Rebekkah, Max, Flash & Elena. It was great having John home I do miss him. Saturday night at the club. Sunday at Vintage Pooch Parade with work which went really well. Jenna's wedding was perfect in every way from start to finish. So many amazing memories.

So blood results back and all is ok so I am now on standby for surgery again, just another waiting game. It's the worst part of all of this 'the waiting' It makes me feel like I'm a pest and shouldn't bother the H.C.P at the hospital because it's not life saving. But it's a massive part of the process because it will at some point give me closure to everything. And at the same time hopefully make me feel more femanine. Oh I can then lose some weight. :) I'm carrying on as normal and what will be will be. Well my new normal........ not what it was but what it has become.