Having someone to talk to who knows what it is like! I just want to worry about my lemon drizzle cake rising!

06/01/13 My friend who has always been there to support and educate me about cancer is so close to losing her life. I have spent some valuable nights with her chatting about life and facing death. She said she just doesn't want to be in pain. She  wants to fight to be here for Christmas but then in the next breath says, I go to sleep and wonder if I will wake up and think I don't care if I don't. She said that's how I want to go in my sleep and it be peaceful. She told me that when she had her terminal diagnosis  a weight was lifted and she didn't have to worry about it and she could just get on with it. I can appreciate that so much but I don't worry about it but I do think about it. It will be sad when she is gone not because of the cancer but because she is my friend.

Me talking this way doesn't mean I am defeated, i'm just saying. Cancer is so cruel and I know how loved ones feel, anger, pure anger.There have been so many developments over the years but it still seems to take the good people.

I have found that many people see the sick and bald person and understand that they must be having a difficult time having treatment for cancer but that is only the tip of the iceburge. My new friend who has been in the same position as me has told me "I just want to worry about my Lemon Drizzle cake rising"..........

Recovering in Oz & hearing the children laugh!

We prepared for Australia, oh my what a fantastic time we had from the minute we got in Sue's car to coming back home. My most precious memories are of Amelia, Noah and Elena laughing so much, watching Ghost with Claire Amelia and Elena, walks on the beach with Flash and Maisie the dog. Keith and the 'tinny' and crab island. Flash playing in the pool with Noah and the theme park and water park. Going on all the big rides with Amelia, Flash and Elena - oh the fun we had soooooo much fun. They all mean the world to me I can't explain the feelings I have for them all. Our plan is to go back in 2015 and it will be my health that will be the only thing to stop me. (And that won't happen).

We won't be going in 2015 only because my grandson is due on Boxing Day and I need to be here for his arrival, little did I know it was even going to be possible but I have the best of everything as we have booked our flights for March 2016 so we are now on count down for both big events.

Home we came and to a new job at CancerCare only part time but once I explained I had been offered another part time job they offered me full time. I love that I can make a difference in some small way. Being involved in a team that truly care and edeavour to do everything in the right way and to improve standards wherever possible. I am loving it.

A proud son taking on a fathers role!

07/12/13 So, the wedding was so special everyone talked about the atmosphere and the love that was in the room. I have to admit I had some nerves only because I was emotional and missed dad but Jenna & John did me proud. Jenna booked a pamper day the day before for me & her such a special day and one I will always remember. John's speach was fantastic....

I want to start off by saying thank you to everyone for coming. I know it wouldn't have been the same without you:
I'M PROUD, the son taking on a fathers role, I know how proud my grandad would be seeing my mum happy afrter all she's been through.
How she's moving forward with her life and her future.
Because the hard parts behind her and now she can start to really enjoy her life again.
But, I bet he wouldn't have thought i'd be walking down the isle at twenty especially with a man waiting at the other end.
But, i'm very lucky, I know i'm lucky to have such good friends
You see,
I feel the people you surround yourself with make you the person you are
Not defining you in anyway but only bringing the best out in you
Because without anyone an without the bad timnes we wouldn't have the good times
Now, my mums always been there for me,
So i've been very lucky
I've literally known her for as long as I can remember
Telling her how much I love her before venturing into town
and
Always giving my back a rub when i'm hungover the next day
She's taught me so much, helping me become the person I am
We've always been there for each other
through hard times, and enjoying all the good times together aswell
But, when I moved out
I wasn't  always there to look after my little sister as much
But, now I don't have to be, you see all I want out of life is to be happy
To see my family and friends happy
and now to see my mum with Flash who she really loves, who makes her
truly happy
Who puts a smile on my little sisters face
and mine knowing he's looking after them both
Makes today one that i'll always remember, because I love my mum
and i'm proud to say it, I'M A PROUD SON TAKING ON A FATHERS ROLE.

PLEASE RAISE YOUR GLASS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!!!

Reality hits home like a bolt of lightning!!

19/07/13 It was my hen do to the races on Friday 12th July. I was so excited and looking forward to celebrating but that all came crushing down when my niece told me that my friend's cancer is back and she has 1 to 3 years!! Devestated is not the word, I text her immediately and she confirmed she was having chemo and she would speak to me when she saw me.

Saturday morning I broke down and it flooded out of me and thank god my family were with me but I kept thinking of Flash and wished I had his arms round me!!! So many feelings, guilt (survival guilt apparently) not yet but guilt for putting everyone through the pain. She couldn't have done anything differently and I know she would have been beating herself up about it but look at me , never smoked, I did sport, and i've got it! But when I got home I went to speak to her and thank god we can talk honestly to eachother and we did we opened up and had the best chat ever. We talked about things only we understand for which I will always be grateful for. She encouraged me to go and get checked out, I have some chest pains still, I was sent for some tests and the waiting began.....

01/08/13 I received a phone call from my breast care nurse and she told me my test results were all clear, thank goodness. I then saw my surgeon and we discussed her referring me for reconstruction and it's been done.

We have just over a week till the wedding and now my attitude has changed I feel extremely positive about our future. I have been to  /CancerCareCharity and I could possibly have a job with them as the volunteer coordinator, so things are looking up.

I have been thinking of dad lots and feeling very emotional, obviously the presure of the tests etc have now gone and I think I have time to grieve and I really miss him. The wedding will be quite difficult not having him with us but I know he will be proud of us. He told me "you have got a good-en there lass" :)

07/12/13 Goodness me I can't quite believe the date! That means I haven't put pen to paper since before our wedding.
To put things simply we have got married, been to Australia, I have got a new job, i'm back umpiring and most importantly my friend is losing her fight and may not be here for christmas but knowing how hard she fights she will give it a damn good go.

Dear god i've just looked in the mirror and you should see my bed head! it made me giggle, good job I have already got my husband.......

He read my journal & the emotions came back!

20/10/15 My husband read my journal whilst I was out on Sunday, I did leave it out, but I wasn't expecting him to read it. I felt quite nervous even though I am making it public. I suppose it's because I wasn't sure how he would respond to knowing how I was feeling at those difficult times during my low points. I am also concious of not wanting to hurt my loved ones any more than I already have, putting them through the worry and fear of having cancer.

I had this determination and fight to get on with the treatment and the change that I was facing that I wasn't prepared for how it would impact everyone around me. I remember taking hold of my children and looking them in the eyes and seeing the fear and it burning into my heart. It was an emotion I had no idea existed and I don't think I have found a word for. I am certain my dad would known how I felt. I felt the same pain in my heart when my dad died and I was certain It was breaking, literaly, but I know differently now it was fear, loss, anger all consuming emotions. I really don't want them to feel that again because of me........

My husband was overwhelmed with emotions and said it brought back memories after reading it but he was glad he had. I think I am too......

I made the local paper!

I have made the local paper and hopefully been able to help someone who might be faced with the problem of knowing what to do about getting checked out.

I live in hope!


http://m.lancasterguardian.co.uk/news/local/lancaster-mum-s-three-year-battle-with-breast-cancer-1-7515044

Dad died!

22/05/13 On 7th Feb dad was taken into hospital and 6 weeks later we took him home to care for him and to fulfill his wish to die at home. 8 weeks later this happened and on 18th May at 5.25am peacefully and with Sue, Steve, Audra, Louise and myself at his bedside, with mum in her bedroom she was getting out of bed to come to us. I took hold of mum and told her dad had gone and she looked up and said "thank you".

My Eulogy.

My dad taught me to be the person I am today.

He gave me the qualities he had to be strong and to be a fighter. I remember when I told him I was sick he said "oh dear" he gave me a hug and told me you can get through this you will have us, we will support you.

He gave me peace in knowing each time I look at my brothers and sisters I will see him in them.

Steve- I see the confidence in you to "say it as it is"

Mick - I see the image of dad each time I look at you.

Keith - I see the lovely warm calmness in you that he had.

Audra - I see the fiery "don't mess with me" and the family values that meant so much to him.

And, Sue - I see those chicken legs, those long fingers and toes and the bobbly nose, You are him.

Dad gave us many memories and those family values that I hope I continue to instill in my children that no matter what path you take no matter what decisions you make I will always be there for you without judging yolu and with my unconditional love, just like my dad had for me.

At this point I would like to say some thank you's, whenever anyone came to dad he would always say thank you so on behalf of the family we would like to express our heartfelt gratitude to Dr Harris, the district nurses, hospice at home and to all the carers - especially to Ray & 'our' Ann who continued to be there for dad and will continue to help us all care for our amazing, wonderful, beautiful mum.     Thank You.

02/07/13 All was good for dads send off and when we scattered his ashes on his birthday we celebrated and laughed lots all together again. It was sad saying bye to Keith but made easier knoweing I will be seeing him again soon in Australia for my recovery.
So we are on countdown to the wedding only 8 weeks now. I took mum and Sue to see my dress and they both cried. It's going to be a great day celebrating our future together, however long that will be!
I opened up to Sue and told her I am scared of the future and that the time I have is so precious. Thoughts go through my head about the 'what if's' but I won't let them take over my positivity and my fight.
I have just been interviewed again for another news paper and it got me thinking again. There is a 50/50 chance of it coming back and it feels like it's a ticking time bomb, and will it be the 50 that comes back? I've been feeling really tired again lately but that might be the fact that it's all coming to an end and with the stress of dad going everything might just be catching up on me?????

Hear my interview and how I speak!

This is the link to my second interview in two weeks about Breast Cancer Awareness. I did this, this morning, you will need to forward to 2hours 38 minutes.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0344vr9#play

CancerCare North Lancashire & South Lakeland is the charity I now work for who have helped me to cope with my diagnosis and treatment and my emotional wellbeing. I am lucky to have this local charity so available to me. If you want to see my first ever video visit the website www.cancercare.org.uk and find my story!

I'm not a pro in being interviewed but i'm a pro about being diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer a subject I didn't want to study really !!!!!!!

Cording and what's that?

10/04/13 I recovered well from the surgery and I have been having physio on my arm because I have cording which has been a bit of a set back but definitely getting better. It's been quite a difficult time as dad spent 6 weeks in hospital from the day aftrer my op and he is now receiving palliative care at home and I am spending as much time as I can with him and mum. Although I am feeling quite tired.

I went for my radiotherapy planning appointment yesterday 09/04/13 and my first session is Friday 12th April at 4.30. I learnt I am able to drive myself to my appointments which is a relief. So the final hurdle is imminant!! (little did I know)

I found some flights to Australia and after speaking to Flash I booked them so it looks like I am going to be achieving my goal and recovering from this whole experience visiting my brother and family. They were so excited when I told them. The 14th September can't get here soon enough. Of course we will have our wedding to look forward to :)

Wiggle your toes and cough

11/02/13 Surgery on 6th february 2013 mastectomy in Kendal. I became very emotional leading up to the surgery because I didn't know how I was going to feel afterwards. I wondered if this is what would tip me over the edge. My sister Sue heard me and Flash laughing at Sarah Millican and she said that is was lovely hearing us :)

We got to Kendal in plenty of time and I was first on the list so by the time they booked me in and did all their checks I was ready for surgery. Oh how they struggled to find a vein to put me to sleep, they even tried to put it in my neck with no success. It all happened so fast and before I knew it I was in recovery with a male nurse giving me oxygen and asking if I was ok. When I got back to my room Flash and Sue were waiting for me and I was so glad. I was still groggy and I remember looking at my chest and feeling relieved. My fears hadn't come true, thank goodness.

I stayed in hospital till the Friday and Jason came to pick me up and take me home with my horrible drains. One of them was taken out on Sunday and I was overwhelmed with emotion. Audra (my twin sister) was with me and it hurt and all my tears just came flooding out. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. The nurse was coming again today Monday 11th february 2013 to take out the second drain and I had a bad night worrying about it but Flash stayed at home with me. Jason and his mum Jean came to see me and Jean told me to cough and wiggle my toes and thankfully I didn't feel a thing and I have never felt relief like it. I am hoping I can sleep better tonight, the only thing is Flash is doing a night shift at work.

I got my divorce yeh!!!!!

14/11/12 Well all was good at court and the judge gave me the decree apsolute, Yeh!!!. All on John's (my son) birthday. I needed to collect all paperwork for the ancillary relief. I contacted the mortgage, banks and put my 'house in order' as Sue (my sister) puts it and I feel so much better for it.
Monday 12th November '12 was my 3rd chemo. I'm up and out of bed but not feeling my best, I didn't sleep at all last night so I am just relaxing today. In between chemo I visited my doctor and discussed how I am feeling and  explained i've got my head round everything and i'm in a good place whatever the future will bring. I am now due for more scans to see what is happening with the cancer to see if it is reducing.

10/02/13 So chemo xmas eve and my oncologist reduced the dose because I was so poorly the time before, getting a throat infection and not leaving the house for two weeks and reducing the dose made all the difference. I was a bit sleepy but ok over christmas and boxing day. I was so pleased I made it to Penrith, I love being with Flash's family.
I went for my pre-op appointment on 24/01/13 and discovered a lump on my arm but no-one seems too worried. But a biopsy was taken when I had my op.

My last chemo was 14th Jan '13 and I was so relieved to have got through it. The next big decision to be made was about reconstructive surgery. Jo came with me to St Helen's for my consultation and I was so glad of her support as things didn't go the way I expected. I finally decided to have delayed reconstruction and I think Jo was glad I got to the decision by myself. I was glad!

The hair was gone!

When I decided to shave my head my good friend from England Netball said she would wear a pink wig in support and then all the England umpires would wear pink to umpire their games in and it was wonderful and helps me so much to fight this.

One of the things people tell me is, I am so positive and i'm inspirational and I find that astonishing, because i'm just me. I jump out of planes, I umpire New Zealand, Jamaica, Australia, South Africa, Wales and Scotland and take it on as an opportunity and challenge. I also see this as a challenge and one I have to fight rather than enjoy. Anyway it's not that bad really whatever the outcome is I have the most wonderful fiance who loves me 'MORE' than I could ever wish for. I have fantastic children who I could not be more proud of and my wonderful sisters who are there for me no matter how big or small that I need them for. I know it's difficult for Keith & Claire (my brother and his wife in Australia) not being here but they give me so much suport with photo's, skype and calls, it makes me so happy because I miss them all so much. I can't wait to go and visit them, which is my goal. (Please get me there) ........
My wonderful niece and nephew Leigh & Paul are so much help, Leigh taking me to appointments and taking in all the medical lingo and helping me understand it all. I can't believe how much she has done being there for me. And Paul sorting out my donation web link he is so clever.

How can I not fight this when I have all this support?

25/10/12 Thursday and going to court re divorce as G is opposing the decree apsolute. Thankfully I feel well enough to go as I think this is because I have been drinking lots more. Lets hope it all gets sorted today and I will be divorced!! Big impact look with no hair and green complexion....

The first few pages of my journal.

23/10/12 It's been some time since I picked this up again and what a lot has happened!!!! I have been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer so all of a sudden I am sitting my children down and telling them what is happening - I went to Jenna's (24 years) and phoned John (19 years) whilst I was there to tell him. The following Saturday I sat Elena down (9 years), Lisa, Sue, Jenna were with me, she cried and said "it's a bit sad" but soon was ok. That was so tough seeing the pain and fear in their eyes.

My first chemo was 1st October 2012 and like all of my appointments the waiting to see what happens is the hardest thing ever, but it was alright for 4 days then it kicked in. I had bad flu sypmptoms and terrible headaches but there was light at the end of the tunnel and I started to pick up. so much so I went into work and that was great.

So 22/10/15 I had my second course of chemo and it begins again. At my 1st treatment I was told I would lose my hair before my second course so although I had already cut my hair short I decided I wanted to shave it off, so began the big event! The head shaving fundraising event which was held on 13th October ' 12 and I was totally overwhelmed with the response and support. It really meant I wasn't doing this alone I had all my family & friends fighting this with me. We raised £1,125.00 on the day and it was so much fun although my closest family members all cried and found it very difficult, but then I had Callum & Charlie (my nephew & great nephew) who loved shaving my head and with the whole family helping I finally got there and love being bald!

Ouch!! It begins

I can't remember exactly when it was that I first noticed I had a sore breast (nipple). I remember saying it's sore but that was that, a couple of days later and it was fine.
Then there was a change, my nipple appeared inverted and I just thought I will keep an eye on that.
Before I knew it a work colleague was on the phone to a patient who was telling her to check her breasts as she recently was diagnosed with breast cancer. When she told me I said I had an inverted nipple and she said "get it checked" so I immediately phoned my doctors and got an appointment on Wednesday 22nd August 2012. At that appointment he said it is significantly different and there was at this point a 'mass', so the doctor sent an urgent referal to the breast clinic. A nurse called the next day and gave me an appointment at the clinic on Thursday 30th August 2012 @ 11am. waiting a week felt like a life time away so I asked my neighbour what will happen at a 3 hour appointment.